After millions of years of traveling alone in the vast darkness of immaturity comes a wisdom light years ahead of its time. A ship of alien thought, aptly named "Love" finally makes contact with its home planet "Self." When this foreign concept is finally docked at base, it's doors are slowly opened and is immediately confronted by guns of Doubt and Loathing keenly trained and ready to fire. "Love" boldly steps forward to reclaim the territory it was designed to rule. Beckoning the inhabitants of "Self" to recognize their destiny and to embrace the "Love" that "Self" had been missing, "Love" recalled to mind the lineage of courage and tenacity that had been long buried in the last "Self" war. The inhabitants slowly lowered their guns and dropped to their knees in overwhelmed gratitude for this Leader who had waited so long to be reunited. Great cries of victory rang out as all of "Self" celebrated their emancipation from Doubt and Loathing.
O.K., O.K...so it wasn't that dramatic, but honestly, yesterdays celebration of roses, chocolate and over priced stuff animals got me thinking inevitably about..well, love. Not the mushy, feel good feeling the world defines love as, but the nitty gritty truth that love is a verb.
It was during one of my famous moments of asking my beloved Husband if my back rolls looked "smooth" that he surprised me. Normally that question would illicit his cute answer of how my bakery was about to close for business, but this time was different. This time he informed me that I was glowing. The glow generated from my seemingly lost, but newly found, self-love.
I looked in the mirror. He was right.
See, the Villain Obesity always brings an arsenal, and one of its most powerful weapons is a Net of Deception. I have a habit of being caught in this net which always grabs my ankle, hanging me upside down, allowing my blood and it's lies to run to my head and distort my thinking.
I hang this way for a while. My vision blurring in and out as I struggle to reach for my weapon of 'Truth" and cut myself free. I will still suffer at times lingering side effects, and sometimes even require a longer period of time to reprogram my mind. One of the lies that was diffused yesterday was that... I was only allowed to love myself WHEN I reached my goal.
I could not dress nice, could not feel beautiful, and definitely could not look in the mirror without seeing Obesity. There was not allowed to be an ounce of self-love till I had the perfect Cat woman figure.
This was a lie. A left over, deeply embedded, disgustingly wretched lie.
I heard a loud, angry wailing come from the mirror as Obesity grew noticeably weaker.
This powerful revelation armoured me with the knowledge that I show my self love by continuing to fight.
In every healthy food choice. With every endeavour to walk, to move. to be more. my beauty shines.
I am amazing and courageous, and I was created to look and feel the best that I can every moment of this often comical, but mostly, exhausting journey.
Veronica A. Shoffstall said,"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers."
I beamed a smile again at my Husband.
Honey, I guess this year, your off the hook.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Super Tortoise wins the race.
I am not now, nor have I ever been the essence of patience.
I have often been compared to a wild horse rearing against the process of being broken. The bridle almost failing to constrain me, as foam and sweat fly in my attempt to be free. I would not classify myself as rebellious. Just....well....pleasantly strong willed and driven. This forces me to acknowledge that even Super Heroes have a list of character flaws. Impatience so happens to be at the top of mine.
So that brings me to this past week. Where not only have my muscles been stretched, but my mind and my heart has as well.
Five weeks ago I finally acknowledged that my thighs resembled the surface structure of the moon, and my muffin top was morphing into a wedding cake. My old foe Obesity, who I had previously ninja kicked out of my life, had not only decided to take up residence on my couch, but had changed all the food in my fridge...primarily to chocolate. How evil!
It was time.
I dusted off my cape, pulled up my hair and began to train.
Now, I must tell you. I honestly do not have the power to stop a moving train. Wish I did, but God did not equip me with those powers. I can however, resemble a train in my tenacity. Meaning, once I'm on a certain track, my wheels start turning, and the boilers become hotter and hotter. At that point is very difficult to slow me down. So, in my great and wonderful wisdom I decided to hit it hard. I was already tracking my food, and eating clean, but I reminded myself in the most arrogant of manners, that I had defeated the villain Obesity once, it would now be a cake walk...ooh cake...(cough) I digress. Any way, I pulled out the most favored of my technological Super equipment (my IPhone) and downloaded an app to help me run a 5k in five days. OK, it was probably not five days, but that was really all the time I needed. After having mastered the elliptical nine years ago, one week of P90x four years ago, Just Dance for the Wii, and an on again/off again relationship with Hip Hop Abs, I just knew I was ready to run.
So I began.
I ran, I conquered, I immediately developed runners knee.
This was NOT my plan. My plan was to become as amazing as possible, as quick as I could.
The fact that my body at this point in time has Fibromyalgia, that I was 55 lbs over weight, and had never, and I mean never ran in my life was of little consequence to me. My heart was ready to start spelunking, my body was laughingly, suggesting hop scotch.
I just loved moving so much, but by the grace of God, I slowed down. I started to read about how to train slowly and efficiently. The first thing I found out is, as with any Super Hero, the shoes you train in are a crucial part in the effectiveness of your run. So being as I don't have a Morgan Freeman making gadgets for me in the basement of my house, I hot footed it to Ross, and proceeded to buy a beautifully, discounted pair of Puma Faas 500. I also decided to make an appointment with a local sports Physical Therapist, and started studying how to stretch your quads to strengthen the muscles surrounding your knees.
So, all that brings me back to this week.
This week, I started walking. An easy, enjoy how my body is feeling, wind is blowing walk.
Roughly 38 days after starting, I have lost 3 inches in my hips, 3.5 inches in my waist, 2.5 inches in my thighs, and 8 lbs of fat.
I did gain though.
What I gained is a deeper appreciation of studying, a new found mercy for my goals, and an untapped super ability to savor life slowly. Proving once again, the timeless truth, my new found truth, the Super Tortoise wins the race.
One day I will run...just not today.
I have often been compared to a wild horse rearing against the process of being broken. The bridle almost failing to constrain me, as foam and sweat fly in my attempt to be free. I would not classify myself as rebellious. Just....well....pleasantly strong willed and driven. This forces me to acknowledge that even Super Heroes have a list of character flaws. Impatience so happens to be at the top of mine.
So that brings me to this past week. Where not only have my muscles been stretched, but my mind and my heart has as well.
Five weeks ago I finally acknowledged that my thighs resembled the surface structure of the moon, and my muffin top was morphing into a wedding cake. My old foe Obesity, who I had previously ninja kicked out of my life, had not only decided to take up residence on my couch, but had changed all the food in my fridge...primarily to chocolate. How evil!
It was time.
I dusted off my cape, pulled up my hair and began to train.
Now, I must tell you. I honestly do not have the power to stop a moving train. Wish I did, but God did not equip me with those powers. I can however, resemble a train in my tenacity. Meaning, once I'm on a certain track, my wheels start turning, and the boilers become hotter and hotter. At that point is very difficult to slow me down. So, in my great and wonderful wisdom I decided to hit it hard. I was already tracking my food, and eating clean, but I reminded myself in the most arrogant of manners, that I had defeated the villain Obesity once, it would now be a cake walk...ooh cake...(cough) I digress. Any way, I pulled out the most favored of my technological Super equipment (my IPhone) and downloaded an app to help me run a 5k in five days. OK, it was probably not five days, but that was really all the time I needed. After having mastered the elliptical nine years ago, one week of P90x four years ago, Just Dance for the Wii, and an on again/off again relationship with Hip Hop Abs, I just knew I was ready to run.
So I began.
I ran, I conquered, I immediately developed runners knee.
This was NOT my plan. My plan was to become as amazing as possible, as quick as I could.
The fact that my body at this point in time has Fibromyalgia, that I was 55 lbs over weight, and had never, and I mean never ran in my life was of little consequence to me. My heart was ready to start spelunking, my body was laughingly, suggesting hop scotch.
I just loved moving so much, but by the grace of God, I slowed down. I started to read about how to train slowly and efficiently. The first thing I found out is, as with any Super Hero, the shoes you train in are a crucial part in the effectiveness of your run. So being as I don't have a Morgan Freeman making gadgets for me in the basement of my house, I hot footed it to Ross, and proceeded to buy a beautifully, discounted pair of Puma Faas 500. I also decided to make an appointment with a local sports Physical Therapist, and started studying how to stretch your quads to strengthen the muscles surrounding your knees.
So, all that brings me back to this week.
This week, I started walking. An easy, enjoy how my body is feeling, wind is blowing walk.
Roughly 38 days after starting, I have lost 3 inches in my hips, 3.5 inches in my waist, 2.5 inches in my thighs, and 8 lbs of fat.
I did gain though.
What I gained is a deeper appreciation of studying, a new found mercy for my goals, and an untapped super ability to savor life slowly. Proving once again, the timeless truth, my new found truth, the Super Tortoise wins the race.
One day I will run...just not today.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Weapons of Mass Destruction.
I was ready.
Like a Gladiator about to enter the Coliseum, I stood: breathing shallow, muscles tense, senses alert.
I stepped forward.
One foot and then the other. I closed my eyes, released a long held breath, and allowed myself to look down. Then I stopped. Everything around me wound down in slow motion as I reviewed with horror the number over and over again. That's not right. That's not right! My heart pounded in my chest as I sat down hard on the edge of the bed.
I had gained weight.
Every ounce of me wanted to scream. In an anguished desperation I rewound and played every bite, every movement. Foot steps of pain, too many to count. Recording every morsel that crossed my pallet. Chocolate deprivation!
There are many times we as human beings are required to sacrifice to gain, this was NOT suppose to be one of them! See, as Super Heroes go, I'm pretty results oriented. You train, you fight, you overcome the bad guy...the end. Not this time. The well written script I had mentally prepared was slowly burning on the altar of my assumption. I kicked the small metal box away from me, in case it decided to bite again, and perused my options. In my vast amount of limited knowledge, there are certain things I have been trained to know. I know to eat approximately six small meals instead of three big ones. It will keep your metabolism cranking at optimum production. I understand the principals of good calorie, good fat, high fiber, whole grain, high protein, no sugar, clean eating. I understand you need carbohydrates, and lots of water. These are principals in eating that are as ingrained in my mind as wax on, wax off. I laid back on my bed.
What did I miss?
Then I heard a creak. I sat up, looking quickly around me. Nothing. My senses heightened and my breathing sped up. Another creak. I stood up quickly, and was face to face with Obesity. It's toxic breath hit me. Obesity always carries the same scent: doubt, self loathing, depression, fear, unfulfilled dreams. Like an all consuming fog, the poison wraps around my mind. I feel my balance become unsteady as my out of practice legs begin to grow weak. It stands there breathing out. I stand there taking in. My thoughts swirl like a tornado, beating me with the debris of passed failures. Times when I could have and I didn't. Times when I should have and I couldn't. Then the maybes begin their dance. Not a graceful ballet, but a hard rhythmic Irish stomp. Stomping, constant stomping. Swirling debris, nagging nagging, constant stomping. A symphony of well tuned destruction.
Then a voice.
A quiet knowing pierces the noise.
"No weapon formed against you shall prosper!"
Just seven small words. Each one anchors in a sea of confusion. I shook my head and felt it clearing.
I drew back and head butted Obesity as hard as I could, stunning it for a second. It quickly turned steel eyes on me as it lunged forward, but I side stepped and Obesity fell. It tried to grab my legs, but I kicked it again hard in the neck, reminding this villain who I was. As quick as it came in, Obesity left. Something in the mirror caught my eye. A flash of a smirk, and then nothing. I stood there for a minute feeling my pulse start to slow. I caught my eyes in the mirror and smiled. I had won this battle, but the war was far from over. Obesity would return, it was a certainty.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, straightened my cape,
and kicked my scale as hard as I could under my bed.
Like a Gladiator about to enter the Coliseum, I stood: breathing shallow, muscles tense, senses alert.
I stepped forward.
One foot and then the other. I closed my eyes, released a long held breath, and allowed myself to look down. Then I stopped. Everything around me wound down in slow motion as I reviewed with horror the number over and over again. That's not right. That's not right! My heart pounded in my chest as I sat down hard on the edge of the bed.
I had gained weight.
Every ounce of me wanted to scream. In an anguished desperation I rewound and played every bite, every movement. Foot steps of pain, too many to count. Recording every morsel that crossed my pallet. Chocolate deprivation!
There are many times we as human beings are required to sacrifice to gain, this was NOT suppose to be one of them! See, as Super Heroes go, I'm pretty results oriented. You train, you fight, you overcome the bad guy...the end. Not this time. The well written script I had mentally prepared was slowly burning on the altar of my assumption. I kicked the small metal box away from me, in case it decided to bite again, and perused my options. In my vast amount of limited knowledge, there are certain things I have been trained to know. I know to eat approximately six small meals instead of three big ones. It will keep your metabolism cranking at optimum production. I understand the principals of good calorie, good fat, high fiber, whole grain, high protein, no sugar, clean eating. I understand you need carbohydrates, and lots of water. These are principals in eating that are as ingrained in my mind as wax on, wax off. I laid back on my bed.
What did I miss?
Then I heard a creak. I sat up, looking quickly around me. Nothing. My senses heightened and my breathing sped up. Another creak. I stood up quickly, and was face to face with Obesity. It's toxic breath hit me. Obesity always carries the same scent: doubt, self loathing, depression, fear, unfulfilled dreams. Like an all consuming fog, the poison wraps around my mind. I feel my balance become unsteady as my out of practice legs begin to grow weak. It stands there breathing out. I stand there taking in. My thoughts swirl like a tornado, beating me with the debris of passed failures. Times when I could have and I didn't. Times when I should have and I couldn't. Then the maybes begin their dance. Not a graceful ballet, but a hard rhythmic Irish stomp. Stomping, constant stomping. Swirling debris, nagging nagging, constant stomping. A symphony of well tuned destruction.
Then a voice.
A quiet knowing pierces the noise.
"No weapon formed against you shall prosper!"
Just seven small words. Each one anchors in a sea of confusion. I shook my head and felt it clearing.
I drew back and head butted Obesity as hard as I could, stunning it for a second. It quickly turned steel eyes on me as it lunged forward, but I side stepped and Obesity fell. It tried to grab my legs, but I kicked it again hard in the neck, reminding this villain who I was. As quick as it came in, Obesity left. Something in the mirror caught my eye. A flash of a smirk, and then nothing. I stood there for a minute feeling my pulse start to slow. I caught my eyes in the mirror and smiled. I had won this battle, but the war was far from over. Obesity would return, it was a certainty.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, straightened my cape,
and kicked my scale as hard as I could under my bed.
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